Bubby's Playlist

"The song is ended but the melody lingers on..."

-Irving Berlin

Brandon and I had a special connection. I used to say that we were adopted (which is ridiculous considering he has a twin). We shared the same bone structure (while Christian and Andrew’s have bone structure that is similar to one another) and we’ve always been the smilers of the family. I always thought that, if he could, he would have been a singer and a guitar player, maybe even a drummer. I was sure he would have hated sports, and that would be the only difference between the two of us. I would have forced him to dress like a hipster and we would most definitely be an acapella duo. When I was alone at home with him I would sit in his room and read to myself or do homework sometimes. Just sitting in his room made me happier, As a little girl I would read the bible and Percy Jackson (what a great combo) to him because I’m sure he would have loved to read. I would fake cry and he would laugh at me, just thinking about it now makes me laugh. He always put a smile on my face and we loved to laugh together. He will be my bubby forever.

          I understand that it might be hard to grasp how someone could have such a deep relationship with someone who can’t walk, talk, or see. But Brandon could hear, and that was all we needed. He could feel when I would lay in bed next to him. Bubby taught me many lessons, not only did he teach me how to use a suctioning machine, a G-tube, and trach care, he also taught me the power of sound. Brandon loved music. When he was still able to attend church, he would sit in his wheelchair and laugh throughout the whole song service and then fall asleep as soon as the preacher got up to give his message (another trait we have in common). Andrew would always have Kenneth Copeland or some worship music playing for him. I miss having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to go turn the music down a little.

         It has been almost 6 months since my brother passed and in honor of our shared love of music, I have created a short playlist consisting of songs that have helped me through this loss. These songs have greatly impacted me and I want to explain why that is, so here we go...

Come Away- Jesus Culture 

            This first song represents the first wave of peace that I encountered after finding out that my big brother passed away. As many know, I was in Haiti when he passed finishing out the last week of my month long trip as an intern with Coreluv International. I was with people who I had known for less than a month, they were very caring, helpful and reassuring. In a moment like this though, all you want is your family, and they made that happen. Mike and Mandy Reizner, the founders of Coreluv drove me all the way from Gonaives, Haiti to Saint-Marc, Haiti where my second mama, Tava Foret, and Acts29 Missionary, Pastor Don, picked me and took me to Cabaret where Acts29 is based. There, I was able to spend the next couple days with my sister/best friend, Christian, and a whole group of people I have known for most of my life. They just happened to be on a week-long trip to Haiti. I had been to Haiti before with Acts29 and I felt so at home being with people I love deeply. In one day I had gone from cleaning up around the guesthouse in Gonaives to sitting around a circle hours away with people I consider family talking about the pain that I was in without my brother. God is good.

         

         The song comes into play the night after I arrived. We had a devotion like every night, and at the end Mrs. Tava and Coach Foret (my second mom and dad) sat Christian and I down and just loved on us. Mrs. T shared a vision that God had given her while Pastor Josh played the song, Come Away.

Come away with me

Come away with me

It’s never too late

It’s not too late for you

I have a plan for you

I have a plan for you

It’s gonna be great

It’s gonna be wild

It’s gonna be full of me…

          I had heard the song a hundred times, but situations change the way you see things. Mrs. T shared a vision she had while listening,

“In this moment of worship, I saw the most vivid vision of Jesus motioning with his hand to Brandon as he was lying in his bed. His hand motion said, ‘Come away with me’. By the end of the song I was seeing the trach tube falling away as if the ‘chains’ that had bound Brandon while on this earth were being loosed and he was rising to dance with Jesus.”

          Her sharing this gave my sister and me both peace over the whole situation, the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Peace that makes no sense. There was no better place for us to be at the time. As much as we wanted to be with our parents, it would have been too hard and we wouldn’t have been touched in such a deep way. Brandon is with his creator and he is dancing, singing, laughing, and reading and I will be with him soon. I find peace in that, and that is why I am comforted by this song.

          

          The next song that has touched me since losing my brother has been “Break Every Chain”. Lindsey Simon sang this song at Bubby’s funeral and it was so powerful. We praised God at a funeral and it was beautiful to see people who love my family praise God along with us. In the moment of course, it hurt to be there, I honestly just wanted to go home and cuddle up under my warm blankets and sleep for a week. I’ve never lost someone that I was close to, definitely not anyone so young. I understand now what people mean when they say things like, “I think about him every day” and “I feel like I’m drowning”. I was at peace with my brother’s passing, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t grieve. This song was another one that gave peace and helped with the grieving period.

There is power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain.

As we sang I saw the chains falling off, he danced and he praised like I know he always wanted. Brandon’s chains fell off, he was no longer bound by sickness or chained to a bed. As Lindsey sang, I looked at what his life should have been, and what eternity gave to him. I’m so blessed to have been given such an amazing church family who takes care of me and loves me. You all remind me of the hope that God gives me fresh every day. This song gives me peace and hope, but above all, it reminds me of the church that I have standing behind me and the incredible people I know have been praying for my family. Thank you to those who understand the pain doesn’t go away after the funeral.

The next song is a tough one to take in, “Even When it Hurts”. This song is about praising God through everything, the good and the bad. A week or two after Brandon’s passing my family went to a concert that our friend, Cody, had bought months back. It was a big concert, the main event was Hillsong United. They were singing songs from their new album, “Empires”, and we hadn’t heard many of the songs. “Even When it Hurts” was played and every single one of us was crying and praising God. We were in the right place at the right time, yet again. This whole songs spoke to me so powerfully. Everything she sings was exactly what I was feeling. I listened to this song every day for nearly three as a reminder. If I found myself crying in class I would step out to listen to this song. 

Even when my strength is lost

I’ll praise you

Even when I have no song

I’ll praise you

Even when it’s hard to find the words

Louder then I’ll sing your praise…

Even when the fight seems lost

I’ll praise you

Even when it hurts like hell

I’ll praise you

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I’ll sing your praise

Even when the morning comes

I’ll praise you

Even when the fight is won

I’ll praise you

Even when my time on earth is done

Louder then I’ll sing your praise

This song will continue to be my anthem. I will praise the God who gave me so much time with Brandon. Time that the world said I wouldn’t have. I’m old enough to remember everything about him and I am so grateful for that. I will praise Him even when there seems to be nothing to praise him for. I don’t worship based on how I feel in the moment, but based off of what God has been doing and will continue to do for an eternity. He is a good father and that is why I praise him in every situation. My Heart Burns Only For You God.

If you've ever lost someone you love you know that many times with death comes regret. There is always something we wish we would have said, or done. Time we wish that we could get back. Growing up I spent a lot of time resenting the obstacles that Brandon’s condition presented. Having to be home at 6:30 pm when Brandon’s home health nurse got off work or being late to school because the nurse woke up late seems like a small feat now. At a young age I decided that I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to help people. I began to realize that instead of being resentful, I could use the love that I already had for my brother and turn it into determination to become someone that can help people. 

Unknowingly I was learning about unconditional love and being given a maturity that would show to everyone around me. I don’t say this to brag, believe me, I would trade it all for my brother to have had 23 healthy years rather than 23 years in a bed. I look back now and I think of all the times I used a machine to suck mucus out of a hole in my brother’s neck or all the times that I had to get off of the couch and walk “all the way” into his room to see why his pulse ox was beeping (usually it had just fallen off his finger) and I just wish I could do it all one more time. Just once more. I wish that I could dissolve his medicine into measuring cups, get a cup of warm water, and a bottle of formula and pour it down his G-tube. I wish that I could sit in a hospital room because he has pneumonia again for a few more months. The very things I saw as an inconvenience and selfishly complained about.  

          Lately I have felt guilty for not spending more time with my brother. I think to myself, “I should have read this book to him” or “I should have offered to stay home with him rather than begging to go hang out with friends”. A few weeks ago I listened to this next song, “Grace Wins”.

Here comes those whispers in my ear

Saying who do you think you are

Looks like you’re on your own from here

Cause grace could never reach that far

But, in the shadow of that shame

Beat down by all the blame

I hear you call my name saying it’s not over

And my heart starts to beat

So loud now, drowning out the doubt

I’m down but I’m not out

There’s a war between guilt and grace

And they’re fighting for a sacred space

But I’m living proof

Grace wins every time

No more lying down in death’s defeat

Now I’m rising up in victory

Singing hallelujah

Grace wins every time

This song has been really powerful for me. It’s made me realize that there is no place for guilt in God’s kingdom. He already fought that battle. His grace is relentless and always wins. No matter what I do or don’t do his grace stomps guilt into the ground. So when the voices in my head tell me that I didn’t do enough I remember this song and I think about the grace that God has given me and that this isn’t the end. Remember guys? We get the happy ending!

I heard the final song of the playlist at a funeral just a few weeks ago. The funeral was for a little boy who left us entirely too soon. It was difficult to watch the family in pain because less than six months ago I was in their position. I never even met the kid, but I sat crying for an hour. I remember right before the song came on thinking, I just want to go home. They played this exact video and I just broke down.

I have grown up in church and I did devotions at 4:30 in the morning with my father when I was a kid. I have been learning about the bible and the truths of His word my entire life. But it wasn’t until I watched this video that I remembered what Jesus has already done for all of us. He fought the hard battles, he won over death and hurt. He has all authority and power, but we have to accept it. We have to step into the gifts that he stands waiting for us to take.

You’re shattered

Like you’ve never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you’re never gonna get back

To the you that you used to be.

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday’s a closing door

You don’t live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday’s a closing door

You don’t live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Tell your heart to beat again

My heart will always miss my big brother. I will always want one more hug. But this song reminds me of tomorrow, the door I’ve been given a choice to walk through. I had to write an essay recently about what marked my ascent into adulthood. I knew instantly that the answer was my brother’s death, but there are so many aspects to this event I wasn’t sure which one. I decided that the only strength I showed was deciding to deal with my brother’s death. It had nothing to do with anything that I did, let’s be honest, I am not strong enough to get through something like this on my own. So no, dealing with my brother’s death wasn’t brave or a sign of growing up, it was the decision to do so. Once you decide to Tell Your Heart to Beat Again, the rest comes easily.

I encourage you, if you have been dealing with the death of a loved one, tell your heart to beat again. It’s the best decision you will ever make. The person you love doesn’t want you to be in pain until you’re met with eternity. Brandon wants mine and my family’s hearts to beat again, I know that. That’s why I will do just that.

If you’ve gathered nothing else from this blog post, I hope you can see that I love my brother so much and his presence is greatly missed among my family. He was a constant in my life for 17 years, that’s a long time. I don’t know if everyone who loses someone feels this way, but I miss talking about him. He was a big part of my life, someone that I saw every day before going to school. I know that death is hard to talk about, it’s uncomfortable. I beg you though, say something about him, or ask questions about him, even if you know the answer. My heart longs to talk about my big brother. I think about him every single day, the hole doesn’t disappear just because nobody brings it up. I love my brother and that isn’t going to change. I’m sorry if talking about my dead brother makes you uncomfortable, but he was one of my closest friends and a much better listener than anyone I know. I will continue to mention my big brother and I will continue to sing these songs that bring joy to my life, while reminding me of a great gift my family was given.

“Come Away”

“Break Every Chain”

“Even when it hurts”

“Grace Wins”

“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again”

Thank you for reading and listening,

Delaney Yarbrough, 17

Letter to the Next Generation

This has been my favorite essay to write this semester so I thought I would share it. I wrote it for my Government class. We read Ta-Nehesi Coate's memoir Between the World and Me. Thanks for reading!

Final Exam Essay

            Ta-Nehisi Coates’ memoir Between the World and Me is reminiscent of James Baldwin’s The Fire Next Time, which also took the form of an extended letter to a relative. Write an essay in which you also describe the world we live in for a future generation. Describe the political events that were taking place during our time and what kind of world they will inherit.

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To you,

I live in a violent world that scares me and at the same time I live in a progressive world that gives me hope. My parents view and my own view on events taking place in the world is very different, much like I’m sure mine and yours will be. I was born and raised in one of the largest cities in the nation. I always lock my door and even though I have lived in the same house my whole life, I don’t know my neighbors. My parents grew up in small towns and were free to roam around the neighborhood growing up. The world changes, and I am okay with that, because you can always find good in the world. But sometimes the bad is overwhelming.

It’s hard to convey my experience with the world I live in when I am still a living piece of the world. I suppose this might make me a primary source one day. Writing this I understand the significance in having a first-hand account. You could read a text-book about the year 2015 written fifty years from now, or you could read what a seventeen year old has to say about what she sees every time she turns on the news, reads a magazine or logs onto Facebook.

It’s coming to the end of 2015 and there have been hundreds of shootings, leaving thousands of people devastated. Not until losing my brother did I really understand what loss feels like. My generation is desensitized, we see shootings on TV and in movies. We hear violence in songs and popular culture teaches us that it’s okay to beat your wife. People bleach their skin, cut their body, and shift their features all to fit the mold. I am realizing that this is a very sad world to live in, and it seems as though there has only been heartbreak. But there is so much good if you look for it.

There are a lot of people that are not violent, and a lot of people that have not been effected by terrorism, shootings, prostitution, or any other kind of violence. But when such terrible things happen, it really doesn’t matter who had a good day. I feel as though so many terrible shootings have happened that they cannot all end up being in the textbooks one day. These mass shootings which have been an important part of forming my opinion of the world will have as much meaning to you as 9/11 has had to me and my peers. The attacks of September 11, 2001 were devastating, but as a 2 year old at the time it all seems as far away as the war in Afghanistan. I meet those who survived and I hear about the ones who didn’t, but I was not a part of it. I suppose one day you will mourn one of the shootings, whichever one seems most devastating in twenty years. Maybe you’ll have holiday in remembrance of everyone who lost their lives to mass shootings. You’ll sit around a TV once a year and watch whatever new documentary is coming on 20/20. You’ll be just as desensitized as my generation.

My mom once told me about when her house was broken into. She was alone, coming home from school and found the house ransacked. For a long time after that had little trust for her community and even the law enforcement. And she was scared. That’s what my parents felt after 9/11. But for me to feel that way about the violence happening today, I would have had to have at some point trusted the people put in place to protect me. I grew up, knowing what terrorism was, I knew the threat, but my parents did not when they were young. As I have gotten older, new threats have arrived and become more persistent.

The world that I am giving you is not the ideal life, but there is beauty to be found here. On thanksgiving I still go to my uncle’s house and eat way too much. Yesterday I was able to use incredible technology to FaceTime my big sister away at college. There is a lot of good in the world and there is still hope for us. My hope is that enough people see the problem and create effective change. My hope is that enough people can dream. Everyone keeps saying to remember. Remember the old days, when we didn’t lock our doors, when we didn’t have terrorism or so much hatred. But I say dream, because I don’t remember that time. I don’t remember a time that people trusted each other, but I can dream of one. I know that you can too. Legislation doesn’t create change, terrorism does not create change, violence does not create change. People create change.

                                                                                                Delaney Yarbrough, 17

That Pesky Little Shame

Shame is so hard to deal with. It is strange that we struggle so much with what other people will think but when we really think about it, we couldn’t care less. Have you ever thought about the fact that letting all of your shame and guilt go is what will save you from a life of hate? I had an experience recently with this terrible emotion. Let me tell you about it:

                Every year my English teacher from middle school creates a day dedicated to reading, she calls it, “Reading Rally”. It’s cute and encourages reading in all the grades at my school (I go to a school with Pre-Kindergarten-12^th grade). This “Reading Rally” can be a little dorky sometimes and when I was in middle school I hated it, because all of the middle schoolers had to pick a book that they were going to read in the different classes, I was so excited when I got to high school and realized that I would no longer be required to participate. I know, I am such a brat. Imagine my wrath when I am asked to read my freshman year, I was perturbed, but I got over it and I read the socks off of Little Red Riding Hood. So, last month Reading Rally came around again and, again I am asked to read, and I say yes. I was more than a little upset. I started thinking of reasons of why she had no right to ask me, gathering up all aspects of the “victim attitude” that I can muster. Now, looking back I see that I really had no reason to not do it, I was just going to sit there and get distracted and not get any work done anyways. When the day came for the Reading Rally I still hadn’t picked out a book to read and I was dreading it, then I learn that the teacher in charge isn’t even there, she had to go out of town. And you know what I did? I blew it off, like I was an entitled brat. I completely disregarded the fact that I had made a commitment, and was on the schedule to read. Of course, I didn’t think about any of this until the next Monday I come in and see that my former English teacher, who was still on vacation, prepared a baggy full of my favorite treats. *insert shame here*

 

 

                I realized that she was counting on me to be a part of Reading Rally, and she believed that I was going to do the right thing. She had put so much faith in me and appreciated what I “did” so much that she went out and bought a bag of goodies for me, and I completely let her down. It has been almost a month since then and I am still avoiding one of the biggest influences on my life because I let her down and feel shameful. I realize that this isn’t a big deal, there are no real consequences, and she still loves me to the moon and back, but there is a bigger picture. Think of how this relates to our relationship with God. Have you ever done something small, that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about, sometimes you don’t even want to go to church? Have you ever thought surely, Christ could never forgive me? Have you ever been positive that the shame would never go away? Look at this scripture:

 “¹³ No one has ascended into heaven except he who descended from heaven, the Son of Man.^{[g] 14} And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, ¹⁵ that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. ¹⁶ “For God so loved the world,^[i] that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. ¹⁹ And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. ²⁰ For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. ²¹ But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.”

I think it is really important that we pay special attention to verse 15 and 17. In fifteen we see that eternal life is given through belief, not good works. This is often misinterpreted because in church we learn that we must do good works and not sin, which is important when we want to live a blessed life and have a relationship with Christ, but in order to get to heaven we only need to believe. And in seventeen we need to see that Christ didn’t come to earth to send us all to hell and tell us how wrong everything that we do is, but rather save us from “the law”. The law was relentless, impossible to follow, and it made a barrier between us and our father. Jesus wanted to be able to have a relationship with his people, his children. So he came and saved us, he didn’t want to bring shame to us. So much of the Old Testament involved shame and guilt. Christ wanted to cleanse us of our shame.

                My teacher still loves me, and Jesus is the same way, he just wants to love us. But when we continue to let shame keep us from church, reading our bible, and being excited to learn more about him we push ourselves further and further from his holiness and light. Jesus came into the world as the light, to open our eyes to what is right, the Holy Spirit was able to move in us once Jesus went back to Heaven and the Holy Spirit became our light. Don’t let shame get in the way of the light, shame hides and cowers, but the Holy Spirit is here to make us BOLD! Shame will always be there as long as you continue to sin, but it’s all about how you let that shame affect you. Are you going to let the shame control you, or are you going to let it encourage you to do better next time? So many times we let our shame keep us from repenting and asking for forgiveness from those who we hurt or disobeyed. Don’t let that happen, don’t cower in your shame, but be bold in the Holy Spirit who teaches you how to live according to the will of God.
Pray, Read, Love!!
Peace and Blessings!
Delaney Yarbrough

HAITI 3

So here is yet another Haiti post, this blog is not all about Haiti but it's about my high school experiences and this has kind of been a really big part of my life so I don't see a problem with having just one more post about Haiti. Here it is:

The second hardest part of my trip to Haiti was the journey. I was so excited to get there and to start learning about these people and their culture, but I had to sit on a plane and be patient (because for some reason throwing tantrums in the middle of the airport is frowned upon). The plane ride was actually pretty short, it could have been much longer, and we didn't have to wait long for our connecting flight. When we flew into Port Au Prince we were a little worried because at first all that we saw was a little shed and we were just kind of like, is that supposed to be the airport. "Um, excuse me, pilot guy, I think you missed the airport..." Thankfully, that was not the case, the airport just happened to be out the other window. The airport consisted of three gates (as far as we could see). Then we proceeded to baggage claim. If you have ever traveled in America you know that people WILL NOT take your bag off the carousel (even if you are obviously struggling to pick it up because you are made up of exactly .23% muscle). So, imagine our surprise when half of our bags are already off. Then we found "big boss" who got our bags and took them out to the Pastor Don's truck.

            Doesn’t seem like such a hard task, but the hardest part was significantly more difficult for me. The absolute hardest part of my trip to Haiti was the most cliché of them all, leaving. The first few days are hard, then it gets easier because you get acclimated to the weather, sleeping conditions, language and even the schedule. But then it all gets ripped out of your arms. I started to fall in love with the place. How can you not, when it looks like this:

           I didn’t want to leave, I really felt like I had found my niche. A place where I really fit in. At first I said that I left my heart in Haiti, but I didn’t. I carry my broken heart with me. I feel it every day when I wake up and think about all that I could be doing. When I think about the precious children who don’t have the things that I have. My dream is to show God’s peace. With every fiber of my being I believe that God is big enough to bring peace to this entire world. But it’s our job to bring it. GIVE, GO, PRAY. I can’t stress how powerful these three things are.

(Give: http://acts29missions.org/get-involved/boots-on-the-ground/help-supplies

Go: Contact your church about upcoming Missions Trips or go to http://acts29missions.org/get-involved/boots-on-the-ground/missions-trips?view=Events&layout=eventlisting&html=1&page=1

Pray: We all know how to do this, and don’t lie, you have time. Put a reminder in your phone to pray for the world, not just Haiti. There are people hurting everywhere. There is NO excuse to not pray.)

Have you ever wished that you could be a part of something bigger than yourself? After such a long time dreaming of getting to go on a missions trip I finally made it. Growing up in church (at least my church), I heard a lot of missionaries speak. They all talk about how much they love what they do, how sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's dangerous, but, in the end, they love their job. Through the years I have created this image, and honestly, I had it all wrong.

Some misconceptions about Haiti:

1.      “They’re stupid.”—This one really bothers me, nobody comes right out and says it, but for some reason many Americans think that the ‘Merican way is the only way. I was blown away by some very intelligent people, (who by the way, can speak more languages than I, and are eager to learn new cultures, rather than impose on others’). No matter what you think, speaking English, being rich, and having the “best”, are not signs of intelligence. We weren’t called to spread the “American Tradition” we were called to spread the word of God. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest finding the really checking your heart line before embarking on a journey to expand God’s kingdom.

2.      “They’re different.”—I came to Haiti and I thought that it was going to be hard to relate to these people. I had the wrong mindset, I thought that their struggles were somehow more than my own. How can I relate to someone who has nothing? In order to answer this question I had to realize that they do have things. What they lack in the tangible they make up for in the intangible. One way that you can always count on being like another human is our fear of being alone. “Man is by nature a social animal” (yes, I stole that from Aristotle), it means that we all need people, everyone longs for people to accept them whether they acknowledge it or not. That is just one example of how we are similar.  

3.      “They weren’t called”—I honestly believe that so many Americans that go to other countries forget that the bible applies to everyone. Yes, we are called to spread the word of God, but so are they, so teach them what they need to do in order to spread the gospel. When I was younger, I would go to kids church and my pastor would break it down, ‘Can you imagine what would happen to the world if everyone in here brought two friends to church, then the next week your friends brought two more people, and the cycle just continued forever?’ NO, I couldn’t imagine, because people don’t spread the word. But when I went to Haiti and I watched as Haitians, who statistically should have nothing to do with God, shared the gospel with their friends. I watched as those same Haitians taught the next generation. This is what missions is supposed to be about. Harry Truman once said, “It is amazing the things that you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit.”

PEACE AND BLESSINS.

P.S. Don't forget that you can give to Acts 29 Missions at http://acts29missions.org/get-involved/support-acts29

HAITI 2

Dearest Peeps,
There are 7 billion people in the world, which is an extremely large amount of people, but let's break it down.
In the US there are 318 million people. Texas, which is the second largest state is home to 26 million people, and Houston has 2 million citizens. I live in Houston, Texas the fourth most populated city in America. I am insignificant in this huge world. I have feared that I would drown in this huge city, I thought I would become just another person, and that scared me. I want to do great things, there are a lot of goals that I have set for myself and I don't really want to look back at my life and realize that I didn't reach for all of them. Before I went to Haiti I thought that my biggest fear was getting lost. But I didn't realize until half-way through my trip that I was already lost. I was so lost that I didn't even realize I was lost.

I think that in our walk as a Christian we are met with more than one "redemption". We are saved when Christ comes into our lives, but then we get lost again. We go through the motions of religion and we lose our passion for obeying God's word. This second redemption isn't saving us from Hell, but from a life of obscurity. God has a purpose for us all and until you find that purpose you won't really understand what it means to have a purpose. As you search for what God is calling you to I want you to remember Jeremiah 29:11-14
¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.

This scripture is so powerful when you are searching for God's answer. Everyone likes to stop at verse 11, but when you go on, you see that although he has a plan for you, you are the one that has to put the plan into action. Does he, or does he not say, YOU seek, YOU search, YOU call upon, YOU pray. Stop focusing on God's side of the bargain, and focus on what he says you need to do first.

One of my favorite quotes was uttered by Mahatma Gandhi, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

The story of how I found my calling actually starts about a year before I went to Haiti. It was at Youth Camp and the minister (who spoke extremely fast) was talking about a missionary and I really thought that the story was pretty cool. I didn't really feel that it had anything to do with me, but I felt like I was supposed to go up front when he finished his message. He spoke all about missions and even his alter call was for people who thought they were being called into the missions field. So, it was really strange for me to walk up to the front, kneel down and pray to God. I was confused because I didn't really understand. Looking back, I believe that my walking up there had everything to do with the people around me seeing it, because there was no way that I was able to see what God was doing in me. Pastor Ruben pulled me aside and he told me that I have really awesome and big things in my future and that I need to fight through all of the hard things that will happen in my life. Which, at the time was really scary (because everything was great). He told me that when you have such a great calling that the Devil will do everything that he can to stop you, that things get rough, and being prayed up and read up (on the bible, not Twilight) is so important. I got so excited after that, I was just so ready to get back home and start fighting the Devil. Even though I had no clue what my calling was. There were some hard times, and I wont deny that. This has been a crazy year, but it has also been an amazing year. I have had so many opportunities thrown at me, the greatest being Haiti.

As of August 1, 2014 I had NO CLUE what was going to happen in Haiti, and to tell you the truth I probably still don't know everything that happened in Haiti. What I do know is that God showed up. I want you to keep in mind that I am still trying to wrap my mind around what my life is supposed to be, I still feel like I have only a sliver of what God has planned.

The third or fourth day we were in Haiti I had a really tough day. I was kind of angry, but I wasn't sure why at the time. I was getting frustrated with people for no real reason. Now, I know that it was the Devil's plan to get me off-track, so I wouldn't realize what God was trying to do in my life that evening. Ruben pulled all of the youth aside this same night and he told us that God had been speaking to him, and he had just realized that it was actually a word about all of us. We all had a good talk about stepping up to what we are being called to do. We were all excited, but so many of us still didn't know what it was that we were supposed to do, but I think I was beginning to figure it out.

"The Conversation"
So after our awesome talk we went on with our night, and I actually thought it was over. But then, Ruben called me over to talk about my little attitude that I was having. Long story short, my heart was broken and I am better for it. I hadn't been angry all day, I had been saddened, I was brought to reality, and put in my place. I am certain that of three things: Philosophy is stupid, God is real, and I was called bring Christ all over the world. I can thank Haiti for opening my eyes to the last one. I live with so much more fervor now that I realize what I am supposed to do. There is something so rewarding about knowing that you aren't going to drown in a sea of people, I have something that will make me stand out, GOD. Please don't ever let anything deceive you in your walk with Christ. If you are sure of nothing else, be sure that God has a plan for you, he has plans of lasting joy, your cup will run over.

I leave you with a scripture that we should all be living in our day-to-day lives.

The Great Commission

¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had appointed for them. ¹⁷ When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted.

¹⁸ And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. ¹⁹ Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.

 Matthew 28:16-20 (NKJV)

PEACE AND BLESSINs!

HAITI

I was given the incredible opportunity to travel to Haiti and spend seven days with an amazing missionary and his outstanding team. I was introduced to so many beautiful children and I thank God for this absolutely perfect trip. I want to try my hardest over the next few posts to relay the emotional rollercoaster that Haiti put me through.


First off, Haiti is a beautiful country. (the little blue and white dot is the school where we stayed)

I learned a lot about Haiti in just seven days. I learned about their culture, their language, and their people (also the Haitian sensation). But I also learned a lot about myself. I put myself out there, I was uncomfortable at times, but there is nothing that I did there that I regret. There is no way for me to convey the things that I felt in Haiti. But I will say that my life has been changed. Whether you believe in Christ or not, you can't argue that Haiti will make you think. I understand that there are many people who have been to third-world countries many times, but I hope that it never stops impacting them. I am so blessed, I didn't get to choose where I was born, or the family in which I was born. There are things that I use everyday without thinking that baby Stephanie (in the picture) will probably never even see. And that breaks my heart, not that she will never have a spa day or have to clean out her mom's car (AKA spray ALL the Febreeze), but the fact that I have spent fifteen years overlooking all of the things that seemed insignificant and sometimes even inadequate.

8 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,^[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:1

I will never apologize for being American, you can label me with any stereotype, I get it, it's funny. But the bible says that in Christ we shouldn't feel guilty. When we walk in Christ we will be blessed through Christ. I want it to be very clear that I am not trying to condemn anyone with anything that I have to say about these wonderful people that I met. I do believe that there are many Christians in America who could do so much more for the world, but be thankful for what you have. We live in a country that wants and wants and wants, but we also live in a world that needs. Needs our love, passion, clothes, food, hope and prayer. Bottom line is, we are blessed beyond measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over. And I can't tell you why or how we were ever put in the place that we are today. But I will tell you that until the day I die I will thank the Lord for where I am and for who I am, because no matter what anyone ever tries to tell me I saw where I could have been. There is no spiritual law (that I am aware of) that says there is no way I couldn't have been Mika or Josephine or Fifi and that is what breaks my heart.

I'm not saying that any Haitian has done something wrong, but there are things wrong in Haiti. They're approval of voodoo, has the whole country in a bind, and unfortunately (or maybe thankfully) everyone has freedom of choice, (which was given by God). What one person does, or doesn't do, can affect a whole country. There are many Christians in Haiti, who believe whole-heartedly in the Word of God, but there are still so many who turn to voodoo because they see that there is power. I believe that there will come a day when they see that although voodoo (the devil) has the same power as Christ, it is missing the authority that is found in Christ.

There is nothing easy about seeing hungry people and not being able to do much about their desires. There is nothing fun about looking at a child through a fence as he's telling you that he's hungry and not being able to feed him, because if you feed one, you have to feed them all. And there are so many. You can go anywhere in Haiti and find a little kid, or even a kind of large kid, who just wants you to love them. If you ever have something to give, please do whatever it takes to get it to someone who needs it.

I want to live my life by Philippians 2:3--Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 
I have spent too much of life being entitled and wanting everything. I have yearned for attention and I have put myself above others. I foolishly have made myself out to be "the best" when I have nothing to back it up with. One day, I want someone to look back and truly believe, not just say, that I was selfless. I want to help people, and change lives, change the world. I seriously believe that through Christ I can make an incredible difference in people's lives. Until the end I will give God the glory, and the honor and all of my praise.

If you would like to give to the ministry that we helped out with go to http://acts29missions.org/get-involved/support-acts29

Peace!

"It's Not Fair"

My basketball team has never had girls that made you shake in your boots. They have always been short (besides me) and tiny. And as you can probably guess we have had problems with our attitudes once or twice. "It's not faaaaaaair. They're so much bigger than us!" Every game when the other team would walk in we would all cower in fear as we saw how unfit we were to play. But this year one of our coaches thought ahead.

In our first practice Coach Moore sat us all down and used his communications degree to convince us of the deep message behind Brad Pitt's incredible acting in Troy. And although I will never admit this to him, Coach Moore taught us something that day that I will always take with me. Coach Moore told us that Brad Pitt, who was playing Achilles in the Trojan War was supposed to fight this huge giant. And this was the conversation between Achilles and a young messenger boy when Achilles was about to leave for battle.

Messenger Boy: Are the stories true? They say your mother was an immortal godess. They say you can't be killed.
Achilles: I wouldn't be bothering with the shield then, would I?
Messenger Boy: The Thesselonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.
Achilles: Thats why no-one will remember your name.

 For the rest of the season we always thought back to this story, rather than freaking out about the size of the other girls we started focusing on what we could do to better ourselves. And we had a pretty great season.

We realized that in order to be great, and for anyone to ever remember our name, we would have to fight without hesitation. We don't have to fight without fear, another part of the movie someone asked Achilles if he was nervous, he replied simply, "Petrified."

I think about this story almost on a daily basis when I go to school and sit down to start at work. I have already finished all of my freshman classes and have started most of my sophomore classes. Doing work so far ahead can be really daunting and it's hard to remember that I am capable of doing all of it. As soon as I start to think, "This isn't fair." I take a step back and think about the fact that if I ever want to be remembered I won't  think of it as fair, but an advantage.

Can you imagine living the life of a legacy like David or Peter? People so in-tune with God and His power. It's hard to remember why you do all of this work. The truth is, Nobody ever said that life was fair, it's really not. There are bad people in the world, they will make your life harder, but it's your decision how you act toward them.

So when you have three or four hours of homework every night, remember that there is someone, somewhere who has none and they have nothing to complain about, but nobody will remember them. Every time you face something that seems impossible, that is a chance for you to prove to the world that it's not. Give hope to the people behind you, make things look easy, don't boast. Complete the task and move on to the next, trust me, you will be rewarded.

I understand that this doesn't really explain how to get through situations that don't seem fair. But the most important part of every solution is your attitude while resolving a problem. When you have a good attitude, it's easier and more fun to do the hard things. There are things in life that you simply have to do but when you're willing to do it, the "have tos" become "want tos".

⁹ If you are willing and obedient,
    you will eat the best from the land.
²⁰ But if you refuse and rebel,
    you will be destroyed by swords.”
    The Lord has spoken.
Isaiah 1:19-20

When you are willing and obedient you get the best. Being willing is not complaining, or talking about how you shouldn't have to do it. 

In the end, when you are being cheerful about the hard things, the time spent working seems much shorter than the time being blessed for your obedience.

Peace out Broskies!