Bubby's Playlist

"The song is ended but the melody lingers on..."

-Irving Berlin

Brandon and I had a special connection. I used to say that we were adopted (which is ridiculous considering he has a twin). We shared the same bone structure (while Christian and Andrew’s have bone structure that is similar to one another) and we’ve always been the smilers of the family. I always thought that, if he could, he would have been a singer and a guitar player, maybe even a drummer. I was sure he would have hated sports, and that would be the only difference between the two of us. I would have forced him to dress like a hipster and we would most definitely be an acapella duo. When I was alone at home with him I would sit in his room and read to myself or do homework sometimes. Just sitting in his room made me happier, As a little girl I would read the bible and Percy Jackson (what a great combo) to him because I’m sure he would have loved to read. I would fake cry and he would laugh at me, just thinking about it now makes me laugh. He always put a smile on my face and we loved to laugh together. He will be my bubby forever.

          I understand that it might be hard to grasp how someone could have such a deep relationship with someone who can’t walk, talk, or see. But Brandon could hear, and that was all we needed. He could feel when I would lay in bed next to him. Bubby taught me many lessons, not only did he teach me how to use a suctioning machine, a G-tube, and trach care, he also taught me the power of sound. Brandon loved music. When he was still able to attend church, he would sit in his wheelchair and laugh throughout the whole song service and then fall asleep as soon as the preacher got up to give his message (another trait we have in common). Andrew would always have Kenneth Copeland or some worship music playing for him. I miss having to get out of bed in the middle of the night to go turn the music down a little.

         It has been almost 6 months since my brother passed and in honor of our shared love of music, I have created a short playlist consisting of songs that have helped me through this loss. These songs have greatly impacted me and I want to explain why that is, so here we go...

Come Away- Jesus Culture 

            This first song represents the first wave of peace that I encountered after finding out that my big brother passed away. As many know, I was in Haiti when he passed finishing out the last week of my month long trip as an intern with Coreluv International. I was with people who I had known for less than a month, they were very caring, helpful and reassuring. In a moment like this though, all you want is your family, and they made that happen. Mike and Mandy Reizner, the founders of Coreluv drove me all the way from Gonaives, Haiti to Saint-Marc, Haiti where my second mama, Tava Foret, and Acts29 Missionary, Pastor Don, picked me and took me to Cabaret where Acts29 is based. There, I was able to spend the next couple days with my sister/best friend, Christian, and a whole group of people I have known for most of my life. They just happened to be on a week-long trip to Haiti. I had been to Haiti before with Acts29 and I felt so at home being with people I love deeply. In one day I had gone from cleaning up around the guesthouse in Gonaives to sitting around a circle hours away with people I consider family talking about the pain that I was in without my brother. God is good.

         

         The song comes into play the night after I arrived. We had a devotion like every night, and at the end Mrs. Tava and Coach Foret (my second mom and dad) sat Christian and I down and just loved on us. Mrs. T shared a vision that God had given her while Pastor Josh played the song, Come Away.

Come away with me

Come away with me

It’s never too late

It’s not too late for you

I have a plan for you

I have a plan for you

It’s gonna be great

It’s gonna be wild

It’s gonna be full of me…

          I had heard the song a hundred times, but situations change the way you see things. Mrs. T shared a vision she had while listening,

“In this moment of worship, I saw the most vivid vision of Jesus motioning with his hand to Brandon as he was lying in his bed. His hand motion said, ‘Come away with me’. By the end of the song I was seeing the trach tube falling away as if the ‘chains’ that had bound Brandon while on this earth were being loosed and he was rising to dance with Jesus.”

          Her sharing this gave my sister and me both peace over the whole situation, the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Peace that makes no sense. There was no better place for us to be at the time. As much as we wanted to be with our parents, it would have been too hard and we wouldn’t have been touched in such a deep way. Brandon is with his creator and he is dancing, singing, laughing, and reading and I will be with him soon. I find peace in that, and that is why I am comforted by this song.

          

          The next song that has touched me since losing my brother has been “Break Every Chain”. Lindsey Simon sang this song at Bubby’s funeral and it was so powerful. We praised God at a funeral and it was beautiful to see people who love my family praise God along with us. In the moment of course, it hurt to be there, I honestly just wanted to go home and cuddle up under my warm blankets and sleep for a week. I’ve never lost someone that I was close to, definitely not anyone so young. I understand now what people mean when they say things like, “I think about him every day” and “I feel like I’m drowning”. I was at peace with my brother’s passing, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t grieve. This song was another one that gave peace and helped with the grieving period.

There is power in the name of Jesus

To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain.

As we sang I saw the chains falling off, he danced and he praised like I know he always wanted. Brandon’s chains fell off, he was no longer bound by sickness or chained to a bed. As Lindsey sang, I looked at what his life should have been, and what eternity gave to him. I’m so blessed to have been given such an amazing church family who takes care of me and loves me. You all remind me of the hope that God gives me fresh every day. This song gives me peace and hope, but above all, it reminds me of the church that I have standing behind me and the incredible people I know have been praying for my family. Thank you to those who understand the pain doesn’t go away after the funeral.

The next song is a tough one to take in, “Even When it Hurts”. This song is about praising God through everything, the good and the bad. A week or two after Brandon’s passing my family went to a concert that our friend, Cody, had bought months back. It was a big concert, the main event was Hillsong United. They were singing songs from their new album, “Empires”, and we hadn’t heard many of the songs. “Even When it Hurts” was played and every single one of us was crying and praising God. We were in the right place at the right time, yet again. This whole songs spoke to me so powerfully. Everything she sings was exactly what I was feeling. I listened to this song every day for nearly three as a reminder. If I found myself crying in class I would step out to listen to this song. 

Even when my strength is lost

I’ll praise you

Even when I have no song

I’ll praise you

Even when it’s hard to find the words

Louder then I’ll sing your praise…

Even when the fight seems lost

I’ll praise you

Even when it hurts like hell

I’ll praise you

Even when it makes no sense to sing

Louder then I’ll sing your praise

Even when the morning comes

I’ll praise you

Even when the fight is won

I’ll praise you

Even when my time on earth is done

Louder then I’ll sing your praise

This song will continue to be my anthem. I will praise the God who gave me so much time with Brandon. Time that the world said I wouldn’t have. I’m old enough to remember everything about him and I am so grateful for that. I will praise Him even when there seems to be nothing to praise him for. I don’t worship based on how I feel in the moment, but based off of what God has been doing and will continue to do for an eternity. He is a good father and that is why I praise him in every situation. My Heart Burns Only For You God.

If you've ever lost someone you love you know that many times with death comes regret. There is always something we wish we would have said, or done. Time we wish that we could get back. Growing up I spent a lot of time resenting the obstacles that Brandon’s condition presented. Having to be home at 6:30 pm when Brandon’s home health nurse got off work or being late to school because the nurse woke up late seems like a small feat now. At a young age I decided that I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to help people. I began to realize that instead of being resentful, I could use the love that I already had for my brother and turn it into determination to become someone that can help people. 

Unknowingly I was learning about unconditional love and being given a maturity that would show to everyone around me. I don’t say this to brag, believe me, I would trade it all for my brother to have had 23 healthy years rather than 23 years in a bed. I look back now and I think of all the times I used a machine to suck mucus out of a hole in my brother’s neck or all the times that I had to get off of the couch and walk “all the way” into his room to see why his pulse ox was beeping (usually it had just fallen off his finger) and I just wish I could do it all one more time. Just once more. I wish that I could dissolve his medicine into measuring cups, get a cup of warm water, and a bottle of formula and pour it down his G-tube. I wish that I could sit in a hospital room because he has pneumonia again for a few more months. The very things I saw as an inconvenience and selfishly complained about.  

          Lately I have felt guilty for not spending more time with my brother. I think to myself, “I should have read this book to him” or “I should have offered to stay home with him rather than begging to go hang out with friends”. A few weeks ago I listened to this next song, “Grace Wins”.

Here comes those whispers in my ear

Saying who do you think you are

Looks like you’re on your own from here

Cause grace could never reach that far

But, in the shadow of that shame

Beat down by all the blame

I hear you call my name saying it’s not over

And my heart starts to beat

So loud now, drowning out the doubt

I’m down but I’m not out

There’s a war between guilt and grace

And they’re fighting for a sacred space

But I’m living proof

Grace wins every time

No more lying down in death’s defeat

Now I’m rising up in victory

Singing hallelujah

Grace wins every time

This song has been really powerful for me. It’s made me realize that there is no place for guilt in God’s kingdom. He already fought that battle. His grace is relentless and always wins. No matter what I do or don’t do his grace stomps guilt into the ground. So when the voices in my head tell me that I didn’t do enough I remember this song and I think about the grace that God has given me and that this isn’t the end. Remember guys? We get the happy ending!

I heard the final song of the playlist at a funeral just a few weeks ago. The funeral was for a little boy who left us entirely too soon. It was difficult to watch the family in pain because less than six months ago I was in their position. I never even met the kid, but I sat crying for an hour. I remember right before the song came on thinking, I just want to go home. They played this exact video and I just broke down.

I have grown up in church and I did devotions at 4:30 in the morning with my father when I was a kid. I have been learning about the bible and the truths of His word my entire life. But it wasn’t until I watched this video that I remembered what Jesus has already done for all of us. He fought the hard battles, he won over death and hurt. He has all authority and power, but we have to accept it. We have to step into the gifts that he stands waiting for us to take.

You’re shattered

Like you’ve never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you’re never gonna get back

To the you that you used to be.

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday’s a closing door

You don’t live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday’s a closing door

You don’t live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Tell your heart to beat again

My heart will always miss my big brother. I will always want one more hug. But this song reminds me of tomorrow, the door I’ve been given a choice to walk through. I had to write an essay recently about what marked my ascent into adulthood. I knew instantly that the answer was my brother’s death, but there are so many aspects to this event I wasn’t sure which one. I decided that the only strength I showed was deciding to deal with my brother’s death. It had nothing to do with anything that I did, let’s be honest, I am not strong enough to get through something like this on my own. So no, dealing with my brother’s death wasn’t brave or a sign of growing up, it was the decision to do so. Once you decide to Tell Your Heart to Beat Again, the rest comes easily.

I encourage you, if you have been dealing with the death of a loved one, tell your heart to beat again. It’s the best decision you will ever make. The person you love doesn’t want you to be in pain until you’re met with eternity. Brandon wants mine and my family’s hearts to beat again, I know that. That’s why I will do just that.

If you’ve gathered nothing else from this blog post, I hope you can see that I love my brother so much and his presence is greatly missed among my family. He was a constant in my life for 17 years, that’s a long time. I don’t know if everyone who loses someone feels this way, but I miss talking about him. He was a big part of my life, someone that I saw every day before going to school. I know that death is hard to talk about, it’s uncomfortable. I beg you though, say something about him, or ask questions about him, even if you know the answer. My heart longs to talk about my big brother. I think about him every single day, the hole doesn’t disappear just because nobody brings it up. I love my brother and that isn’t going to change. I’m sorry if talking about my dead brother makes you uncomfortable, but he was one of my closest friends and a much better listener than anyone I know. I will continue to mention my big brother and I will continue to sing these songs that bring joy to my life, while reminding me of a great gift my family was given.

“Come Away”

“Break Every Chain”

“Even when it hurts”

“Grace Wins”

“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again”

Thank you for reading and listening,

Delaney Yarbrough, 17